


Torn

by Loremaster64



Category: MCU, Marvel
Genre: Brotps, Gen, Hydra, M/M, Marvel Cinematic Universe - Freeform, Steve and Bucky - Freeform, Stucky - Freeform, Touch-Starved, Touch-Starved Bucky, blood tw, death tw, mcu - Freeform, mcu fanfic - Freeform, my post, ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 01:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15830610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loremaster64/pseuds/Loremaster64
Summary: Bucky faces loneliness and the struggles of his humanity





	Torn

**Author's Note:**

> Touch-Starved Bucky as a request by the amazing hayley

When Bucky awoke in the cold, the first thing he thought of was Steve. Where was he?

He remembered falling, remembered Steve reaching for him and not being able to reach him. Bucky’s hand twitched; if only he could have reached farther, he would be safe and so would his friend.

Where was Steve? He had to find him, protect him, keep him safe.

And that was when he looked down and saw his arm missing. He screamed but only his voice echoed back at him.

The next thing he knew was being dragged away. He faded in and out like a broken television, first in the cold, then surrounded by a group of doctors. At one point, he woke up screaming to find his arm replaced by something new, something cold and metal.

“You will be the new fist of Hydra,” a familiar voice said.

And then he was put in a box and the world grew cold and empty.

I’ll find you, Steve, he thought. No matter how many years it takes.

It was almost 100 years later when the Winter Soldier stood on the bridge looking at the man staring back at him.

“Who the hell is Bucky?” he heard himself say.

And a voice deep inside him said, you know who he is.

No, I don’t, he screamed back as he charged the man. No, I can’t, he yelled as the man tried to hold onto him, tried to hold him back.

But later on, when he was in his room, he thought of the man. And he remembered him, he remembered everything, well at least the things that mattered. He knew the man on the bridge. He knew him, knew his smile, knew his screams, knew the feeling of his arms around him. No one had held him in so long, only barely touching him to put needles in his arms and wires in his brain.

“But I knew him,” he told his leader.

But I loved him, he thought to himself.

Steve, he thought, where are you?

“Please tell Rogers,” he told the soldier beside him, tears lacing his voice and cracking his soul. “When you gotta go, you gotta go.” Tell him I’m sorry.

I miss you, he thought as they put the device back on his head. I’ll always miss you, he screamed inside.

“I’m with you till the end of the line,” Steve whispered those words, broken and bloody.

Destroyed by his hands, his hands that wanted to only hold onto him. His cursed hands that had torn his friend’s body apart but not his heart. Not his love. And Bucky watched him fall, watched him leave him as he had done to Steve so many years before.

So pulling him from the water seemed the only option he had. But gripping onto him, holding onto something he hadn’t held onto in so long was unexpected and powerful.

He stared down at Steve, sleeping now. He wanted to wake him, hug him, let him know that he would never hurt him, never abandon him again, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t in control of himself and he couldn’t hurt Steve, not again. Not ever again. So as he woke, Bucky walked away, away from the embrace of Steve.

Away from his home.

“You’re Steve. I read about you in a museum,” he said to the soldier in his room now. Did he follow him everywhere? How much did he care for him?

I’d follow you too, anywhere if I could.

And the men attacked, and Steve pleaded with him to be careful, that he would kill someone as if he could somehow protect Bucky from the blood on his hands, from the chains on his soul.

Bucky stared at Steve, his green eyes focused on him. His hand was still on his shoulder and, for a moment, he didn’t want him to let go. But his instincts broke free and he pulled away. He always pulled away. Why couldn’t he just stay? Stay with the man who kept trying to save him?

Because I can’t save him, he decided.

So he kept trying to leave, kept trying to pull away, but Steve was a shadow. And when that man used those cursed words on him, still Steve remained, pulling down a helicopter so Bucky wouldn’t go, so he wouldn’t be alone. I don’t want to be alone, he whispered in his soul, as he wrapped a hand around Steve’s throat. I don’t ever want to be alone.

Please don’t leave me, he thought as he fell in the water.

“Your mom’s name was Sarah. You used to wear newspapers in your shoes,” he breathed a laugh. It felt odd to smile after a century of doing the opposite. It felt even stranger to have someone believe him so quickly.

How he wanted to break free of the cement blocks holding him down and hold onto Steve. He had many regrets, but his biggest was hurting him.

“So are we, pal,” Steve smiled, placing a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky tried to smile it off, pass it off like some small thing, but Steve was so close now, so very close and it would be so easy to just wrap his arms around him and expel some of the demons in his soul. He stared at him on the elevator ride down, only steps away from redemption, a redemption and a forgiveness he always wanted but knew would never receive.

Would you still love me if you knew of the ghosts in my mind? If you knew about the monsters in my eyes?

He watched the video, or rather, watched Steve’s friend watch it. He knew of the horrors he did, he never forgot. He saw the nightmares from his past haunt him in Steve’s eyes.

I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.

Steve picked him up and put his arm around him.

“That shield belonged to my father!” the man whose life Bucky had destroyed, whose future was determined like so many others, said.

Steve paused and then dropped the shield.

I’m not worth it, Bucky wanted to say, let me go, let me die don’t sacrifice everything for me.

But he never spoke those words out loud, not as Steve walked away from the son of Howard Stark, and not as he helped him into the plane.

For Steve was there now, holding his arm, placing a hand on his shoulder. Those little touches, barely anything at all, stopped Bucky from saying those words. His friend was there, and his closeness, the kind he had not felt in what seemed centuries, that was enough to make Bucky break every promise, every word he had ever said to anyone and stay beside him.

Bucky would destroy the world for a smile, murder the universe for an embrace. But he never had to, Steve was always there to give it.

“Forever, buddy.” he smiled, even though his heart was shattering. The look in his friend’s eyes made him want to change his mind, consequences be damned. He could survive this monster in his head.

But could Steve? He had to protect him he had sworn it and this…this was the only way to do it.

I’m sorry, Steve. One day we’ll be together, one day soon.

Waking up after so long and without a monster in your head is a powerful feeling, a nearly hypnotic one.

“Good morning, Sergeant Barnes,” the girl said, the one who had removed the curse in his brain.

“Bucky,” he replied without hesitation.

Where was Steve? What had happened after he was put back in the cryotank?

“Thank you,” he told the girl. Thank you for making me human again.

“Come. You still have much to learn.”

Bucky stared across the water. He wondered if Steve looked back, if somehow he could reach him all this way. His fingers twitched, a longing to hold, to be held that could not be easily forgotten. He missed not being a curse, missed being treated like a human.

Steve always did, no matter how monstrous he was.

I miss you, he thought. I want to go home.

The moment Steve came back to his little home, Bucky could only grab onto him with all the force he could and not let go. He missed the warmth of holding another person, missed the way he felt like he belonged.

“I missed you,” he breathed into his friend’s shoulder.

“So did I.” Steve smiled, pulling back. “I heard they—”

“Fixed me. Yeah, they did. Shuri saved me.”

“That’s awesome, Buck.”

He missed that nickname more than he could ever say.

“So, you staying here?”

Bucky nodded. “It’s my new home. Got goats and everything. Let me show you.” He nearly grabbed Steve’s hand in his excitement.

Bucky watched Steve look around his home, feed the goats, admire everything. Bucky never thought he needed validation, he was always doing things on his own regardless of what others thought. Hell, taking Steve in, skinny and weak as he was, was a bold move and lost him most of his “friends”. But seeing Steve approve made him feel happy, almost human in a way. Alive once again.

“This one,” he picked up the newborn goat and brought it to Steve, “doesn’t have a name yet. You wanna name her?”

Steve smiled. “We’ll call her Dot.”

“Steve?” Bucky said, his body twitching, his limbs becoming weak.

Steve looked at him. Bucky tried to walk closer. If only he could reach him then he would be safe. Just a little farther. The gun was in his hand but he was reaching for him, reaching as far as he could.

His world turned dark as if the lights went out in the world.

Steve, where are you?

He awoke in the dark, not a dark where you felt alone, but a dark that was bright enough so you could see how alone you were.

Instinctively, he reached his hand out, as if by sheer will, he could find Steve again. But all he found was emptiness, an emptiness he was all too familiar with.

Steve, he pleaded, where are you?

He wrapped his arms around his knees and buried his face in them. Was this his fate now? Was he doomed to live here forever as a punishment for his monster’s crimes?

He would never see his friend again. Never see Wakanda again. He would be trapped here, alone and scared, his metal arm still with him as a reminder of his sins. Tears threatened their way out of the corners of his eyes. He couldn’t hold back the pain anymore, no one was here to care.

So he wept. He wept like he hadn’t done before. He cried for his lost memories, for all those years he would never get back. He wept for his Steve and most of all he wept for himself and the monster who destroyed him and everyone else.

Steve please…I wanna go home.


End file.
